RichmondHub.ca and Manotick Messenger editor Jeff Morris is applying to be the first Richmond resident to become Canada’s Governor General. It’s pretty much a no-brainer.
Dear Prime Minister Trudeau and Queen Elizabeth II,
I would like to apply for the vacant position of Governor General, Canada.
I believe I have a lot of the qualities that would allow me to pivot my career and become a good Governor General and an asset to both of your organizations.
I familiarized myself with the role of Governor General of Canada by looking it up on Wikipedia, and the first thing it says is that, if I am successful in landing this position, I would be the federal viceregal representative of the Canadian monarch. I believe I have the skills to be the type of viceroy in Canada that will revolutionize the role.
Having watched all four seasons of The Crown, most of it twice although I did fall asleep in a few episodes, I am thoroughly familiar with the duties and responsibilities of the monarch. I also understand some of the challenges you have faced throughout your career as the Queen, especially balancing your career and family life. (If I was the Governor General I totally would have stepped in and advised you not let your husband Phil send your son Charles to that brutal boarding school.)
I also know and understand your deep love of horses. The first thing I would do as Governor General is undo the mess that the Wynn Liberal Government made of the harness racing industry. They are going to build a hotel near Rideau Carleton Raceway, and when you visit Ottawa when I am Governor General, maybe you could stay there. I sure wish Porchie was still around. He could totally come with you and hang out at the stables.
As the Governor General, I would rebuild the relationships that have eroded under previous Governor Generals. As the Queen, you showed a remarkable ability to manage relationships that have taken unique twists and turns.
For example, who would have thought that Winston Churchill would become such an important figure in your life, especially after he burned all those books and tried to ban dancing in Footloose and then ended up being an alien high commander sent to Earth by the Big Giant Head?
But even more difficult must have been your sister. By the third and fourth seasons of The Crown, the world was shocked to see that your sister was actually Bellatrix LeStrange. I always suspected that even though the monarchy is primarily a Muggle institution, I knew there were closer ties to the wizard world than any of us suspected.
And who knew Agent Scully would change so much when she became Margaret Thatcher?
Of course, there are qualities I possess as a person that would be considered unconventional for the role of Governor General and what the staff at Rideau Hall would be used to.
For one, I like people. I like talking to people and meeting people. I love to hear their stories. As a columnist, I have learned that every single person out there has a story to tell. Everyone has a passion for something. Unfortunately, that would make me the type of Governor General that treats people with decency and respect, and to make the entire staff feel like part of a team. I understand that would be an unorthodox pill for the Rideau Hall staff to swallow.
Julie Payette holds engineering degrees from McGill and the University of Toronto. She was a research scientist and then became an astronaut. She went to outer space, and also worked as a capsule communicator at NASA Mission Control Center in Houston.
Maybe she treated everyone like she did because she was better than everyone else. She was the ultimate overdog.
Me? I’m an underdog. I went to Carleton, before it was the great school it is now. I was a student-athlete, maintaining my pedestrian B-Minus average while playing football. It wasn’t the same football you play in the UK, where everyone runs around and then falls down to roll around on the ground and pretends to be hurt until the trainer comes out with Madame Pomfrey’s magic soccer spray that heals them. It is Canadian football on the gridiron. At Carleton, I was a punter and kicker, kind of the bottom feeder of the football food chain. And every time I missed a field goal, I got one point, which made me feel better. All of those one points help me relate to the Millennials and their feelings and their participation trophies.
As for you Mr. Trudeau, the first thing I would do as Governor General is help you fix the COVID-19 vaccination roll out. At some point, some day, Canada will get the doses of the vaccine that every other country in the world seems to already have. It will be a big undertaking, and there is only one organization that can handle a task that big.
The WE Charity.
Unfortunately, I don’t have any family members working there.
I look forward to hearing from you about this job opportunity in the near future. I would recommend that you act upon this application with a sense of urgency, as I have also applied for my dream job to replace one of my longtime idols, the late, great Alex Trebek, as the host of Jeopardy!