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90-Day Fiancé replaces 90 days of playoffs

From the Other Side column, by Jeff Morris, Manotick Messenger

Oh my Gawwwd I miss watching sports on TV.

I don’t think I have ever gone this long without seeing a hockey game or a baseball game or a football game or a soccer game or a basketball game or a car race – stock or open-wheel – or a golf tournament or a curling bonspiel.

The other day, the Diva sent a meme to me about a guy who was messed up about having no sports to watch. He said he was staring out the window and keeping score as birds fought over worms. The Cardinals were ahead of the Blue Jays 4-1.

I told her that I could totally relate to it. The only problem is that the Orioles were actually winning.

On the first night of quaran-streaming, the Diva and I decided to watch a movie. I let her pick it. After a few minutes of surfing Netflix titles, she decided on Mamma Mia!

Ok, I can live with that. The only problem is that I sang along during the entire movie. I mean, I sang along to every single song, and I knew all the words to every song. And by the way, I am a way better singer than Pierce Brosnan. With the exception of Cameron Diaz doing karaoke in My Best Friend’s Wedding, Brosnan warbling out S.O.S. to Meryl Streep may have been the worst singing performance in cinematic history. Oh, and by the way, I sang along to all the songs in My Best Friend’s Wedding also. I will admit to Abba’s Greatest Hits and John Denver’s Greatest Hits getting regular play on my turntable during homework time while I was in high school. And I was probably a B-minus student because I spent more time singing along instead of focusing on my school work. But when we watched My Best Friend’s Weddings, I was surprised how much of Dionne Warwick’s “I Say a Little Prayer” I actually knew as I sang along.

I hope if you have been reading this column for a few years you didn’t actually think I was cool.

So with no sports on and no sign of sports as part of God’s plan for immediate future, I handed the clicker to the Diva and gave her full control.

And now, I am hooked. The show is called 90-Day Fiancé. If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s a show about these people who meet online and fall in love. There is always an American, and someone from another part of the world. Eventually, the foreigners get a 90-day K-1 visa, and they have 90 days to fall decide they are compatible and get married in order to stay together.

With the exception of Seinfeld and Lost, I don’t think I have never been hooked on a show this much before.

The new season has a perfect blend of dysfunctional train wrecks waiting to happen.

Usman, a good looking 28-year-old rapper and celebrity from Nigeria known as Soja Boy, is dating Lisa. She is a confrontational and jealous 52-year-old with a Bea Arthur voice and some serious control issues. If you have seen the show before, you probably know about Angela and Michael. Angela is also an overbearing 50-something with a Nigerian 20-something. And if you thought Angela was trashy, Lisa could give her a serious run for her money. I can’t even imagine how Soja Boy’s Baby Love, Lisa, has affected his career.

Big Ed, the 54-year-old 4’10” photographer, is making all the wrong moves with his 23-year-old Filipino girlfriend, Rosemarie. If it’s not bad enough that he soaks his hair in mayonnaise, it completely blew up in his face when he asked Rosemarie to take an STD test. Come on, Big Ed, she’s 5’2: and she can eat her lunch off your head. I hope she likes mayo.

David, meanwhile, is a 60-year-old from Las Vegas who has been “dating” Lana, a 27-year-old Ukrainian, online for seven years. David has spent more than $100,000 on the relationship, but in three trips to the Ukraine, he has been stood up by her each time.

And Darcey is back, and as per usual, she is crying. Poor Darcey. What the hell is Tom doing to you and where exactly does your relationship stand?

Oh wait, it gets better. After you watch the show, you get to watch a show called 90-Day Fiancé Pillow Talk. It kind of is to 90-Day Fiancé what Coach’s Corner is to Hockey Night in Canada. The show features couples sitting in bed, watching 90-Day Fiancé and commenting. They are basically verbalizing what you are thinking, and having a good laugh.

So yes, I am missing the NHL and NBA playoffs, March Madness, and the start of baseball season. I am missing the XFL, and I haven’t wrapped my head around the thought of the CFL season not starting on time.

But because of 90-Day Fiancé, TLC has made the whole no more sports thing a lot easier for me.

I wonder if TLC is thinking about doing a reality show about people in quarantine. I don’t want to be on it, but I bet the Diva and I would be a good fit for 90-Day Quarantine Pillow Talk.

If they have that show, I hope they have Abba songs to sing along to.